Movie Roundup

Iron Man kicked off this year's movie season with a bang, pulling in 98.6 million dollars its opening weekend and settling at a 94% approval rating on rotten tomatoes. Apparently, the geniuses behind the movie found a way to tap into an audience attraction to action, beautiful women, witty dialogue from an ex-heroin addict, and egregious gadget porn. The bar has been set for the rest of movies this season, and the question remains: was Iron Man a fluke or a bellwether of the summer season?

Sadly, I think it was a fluke. Maybe I'll be proven wrong but the lineup of films this summer looks a little bit disappointing. Let's round them up:

THE GOOD

The Dark Knight- Easily one of the most anticipated films of the summer. Almost everything about this movie is shaping up to be awesome. Except for Maggie Gyllenhal's fugly bobbing head as the romantic interest. The movie should be a thriller as we watch Bruce Wayne battle with the joker, going head to head in the beautifully rendered city of Gotham before felling him with a combination of Ambien and Jack Daniels.

Burn After Reading- Although this film is set to be released in mid-September, I still had to include it for no other reason than it is directed by the Coen brothers. John Malkovich plays an ex-CIA agent with an opportunistic wife (Tilda Swinton) whose memoir reveals state secrets. The government sends an agent (George Clooney) in for damage control, but along the way two dimwitted personal trainers (Brad Pitt and Francis McDormand) happen in on the action.

Wall-E - Yeah I know, it's a children's movie. But the lack of lame dialogue (there are only a handful of lines in the movie) attempting to be witty and win me over is a huge plus. That and the Super High Def CGI that is going to melt my face off. Peep a low-res trailer here.

Hancock- How can a movie about an alcoholic asshole with super powers really be that bad? Alot of internet critics seem to think this movie is going to suck ass, but it has to at least be good for cheap laughs.

THE BAD

Get Smart - OMG Steve Carell keeps falling down!!!! LOLz!!!! Even though I think Steve Carell is pretty goddamn hilarious, this movie also has Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Weasel/Mannequin Anne Hathaway. I have a strong feeling that this movie will be about as awesome and mind blowing as watching a dishwasher commercial. Of course, it does also have this beauty in it...

Wanted - Yes, this has Morgan Freeman and hot tits Jolie in roles as badass super assassins, but I read the comic book for this and from looking at the trailer, it probably won't match the awesome negativity of the original story. Update: I just saw the Russian red band trailer, and it looks significantly more badass.

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl - Lets start with this :"Producer Julia Roberts brings the American Girl brand to the big screen for the very first time with this inspirational tale concerning..." blah blah blah Abigail Breslin blah blah blah doll costumes. Abigail Breslin isn't even cute enough for this to be a good pedo date movie.

THE UGLY

Postal - A movie based on the controversial video game. Although the game stoked anger with some by poking fun at 9/11, the Waco Massacre, homosexuals, rape, kiddie Porn, Muslims, and the mentally handicapped, the movie will only be offensive because it is directed by Uwe Boll.

The Love Guru - This movie isn't really that offensive, it's just proof Mike Myers is an idiot. It looks like ten minutes of comedy stretched out to an hour.

Meet Dave - Eddie Murphy stars as a human "ship" piloted by aliens. Wackiness happens when the "ship" falls in love with an earth woman. This sounds like Japanese tentacle porn without the tact and engaging storyline.